my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
