NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
