I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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