i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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