i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
