She is in my trunk
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
