theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
