I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
