Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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