I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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