Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
