Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
