I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
