I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
