Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
