Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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