He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
