if i can run in heels then i can drive
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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