Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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