Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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