When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize