I think i sorta joined a cult last night
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
