peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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