my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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