i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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