My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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