So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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