I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
