I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize