Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
