So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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