I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
