OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
