then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
