Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
