I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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