This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize