Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
