I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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