@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
P.S. I can't hear my feet
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
