I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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