I just saw a hot homeless man
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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