Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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