ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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