dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It was confusing and full of hummus
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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