At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Randomize
