I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
