omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize