the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
