wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I checked into jail on foursquare
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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