You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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