Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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