How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
