i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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