Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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