Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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