Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
