I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
