he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
