Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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