Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize