this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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