Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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