you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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