By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
