I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
